"Hey Disgruntled Girl, are you really a girl?" Yes. yes. YES. GODDAMN F*KIT I SAID YES!!!

Ya'd think I shouldn't have to yell. Actually - you're wrong. I have to. Are my looks in question? Am I so hideous I look like an XY instead of good ol' double X? Or is it my voice? Do I sound like I drive a truck and yell at waitresses over a stogie? No. I'm playing CounterStrike. They can't see or hear me. My icon looks just like them. I'm a little bank robber, I'm a German GSG9 elite soldier wearing a FREAKING YELLOW FRENCH HELMET FOR SOME GODFORSAKEN REASON (side rant to the designers - what were you thinking? OD green all over - Yellow freaking hat. Guess who dies by the most headshots?) I'm a blocky 3d simulation of a Terrorist or Counter Terrorist. I'm wearing a damn ski mask half the time.

So what's the problem?

Apparently because I'm using the name Disgruntled Girl, my sexuality is in question. What does it matter? I'm shooting you. You're shooting me. I'm either going to shove this bomb up your ass or you're going to snatch my hostages when I'm not looking. Does it matter if I happen to be an XX chromosome type species? We're not hot chatting. I'm not hitting on you, so for God's sake don't hit on me. Conflict of interest if I happen to be on the enemy side. CounterStrike is a strategy game. If you want roleplaying - join everyone else on EverSmack. Ya wanna see girls shooting in a multiplayer sim - UNREAL Tournament. Ya wanna a little one on one shooting action with a babe, whack off with TombRaider.

"You must be like 200lbs." "You're probably 40" "You're a guy" "Are you hot?" "Do you blow?"

Just because a chick has wandered into the field of internet gaming, you suddenly have this shit fantasy that maybe you're not such a reclusive loser after all? Well, you are. Instead of insulting me in real life, you're asking me questions through a keyboard you wouldn't have the balls to ask a phone sex operator.

"Well you don't see many chicks on these type of games..." Really? And you haven't figured out WHY by now? I'll tell ya something. Arctic Wolf. She's a cute littel Asian girl I work with that got married last year. BLOWME is an angry gothling girl I met at the Insomnia coffee shop in Deep Ellum. Girls who play CounterStrike. We want to f*king play, not date. There are MORE women on these games than you really think. They use names or extremely asexual tags to avoid this kind of harrasment. But I'm old school. I have friends in far flung places that might play this game and if they're around, I wanna know. Pope Nihil, a Fitshaced board frequenter is one that I bumped into. Dagnabit, an old gaming buddy and friend from 1989. Bassy_Murderer is my pal Dmitry in St. Petersburg Russia. Why should I have to put on damn fake mustache (pun intended) so that I can play with the boys. When girls get on, they look around and see nothing but guys guys guys. Like a sportsbar but without the alcohol. They do what most women do, turn around and leave. Usually chat catcalls follow - "are you really a girl?" Does it matter? I'm using a shotgun here to restrain me from using a shotgun THERE. You should be silent. Here's a little tip for all you idiots out there. If a girl wants to get laid and doesn't care with who - We'll say "WHO WANTS SEX?" or "I don't care, I want sex NOW." I've been to places like this. Goth clubs are where women dominate. You don't touch us, we touch you. We'll writhe, we'll lick, we'll scratch, we'll rub up against your crotch. We're getting ourselves hot and ready -you just stay put and be a good boy while I get ready to drag you into a dark corner. I absolutely hate it when prep boys walk in and start grabbing. But that's another rant for another time. My point is this - quit hitting on us. We are not like you. We are not desperate. We do not need sex. We know how to play with ourselves. You even have it easier that way - just yank it a few times. Just because I'm using a name that identifies me as a girl doesn't mean I'm hot and ready for you.

You want the important stats? I'm about to make this a macro on my keyboard: "Important Stats: Under 30, over 25, under 150lbs, female, Engaged." The engaged part is a lie. But it's also a poke to my boyfriend KJO-RED,who on one map heard all the gunfire and said "We're not engaged already, are we?" and me being me I replied "Well, you said you did intend to marry me, so yes. We are."

I'll admit, getting hit on doesn't bother me. It's the kindergarten way they go about it. On my most recent (and now most fave) CStrike server - Death from Above - I finally demanded to know the reason behind the root of the problem . "Why do guys run around with chick names in the first place?" One guy confessed he went as Valerie once because it was funny.

Now, I'm into esoteric humor. I admit I get a kick out of a snide remark that no one gets. But to maintain a constant joke that only you get - that's sad. You are a very lonely person. Now "Valerie" didn't do it for long, but we know there are some guys out there that maintain the illusion that they are women in the virtual world. Transvestites -pardon this next phrase - apparently have bigger balls than the average gamer that masquerades constantly as a woman does. At least they are out there.

Assuming I'm on overweight ugly old guy does not really encourage me to play nice.

"Are you hot?" "It's spring, f*khead, what do you think?" "Are you disgruntled?" "I am now."

Assuming all women on these games are ugly overwieght old men doesn't encourage them to keep playing. After guys realize that I am a girl (or close enough to help the fantasy) then they start with:

"Why don't more girls play?" "You won't let them" is my reply. "?"

That's right, chodes. You won't let us play. And then whine about how we aren't interested. On top of making it impossible to get along with teammates, you also make it impossible to even want anything to do with these games. One might say "Boys Club - no girls allowed" but your incessant whining says differently. I have been the end receiver and I have been a witness to the following:

Scene A

Guy gets girlfriend in front of computer because she wants to know what's so damn interesting about these games. The following scenarios occurr:

1. She sits and he leans over her shoulder and plays the game. By the time the chatting has hit the 5 minute mark, she gets up and sits on the couch, having never once touched the computer. 2. He lets her steer while he shoots. (or vice versa) Ends up yelling at her for getting them fragged. 3. He stands behind her and kibitzes endlessly because she doesn't know where on the computer the crouch button is. 4. He gets frustrated that she doesn't instantly know from hours of watching him how to switch to burst fire mode (or even why she would).

Scene B

Girlfriend gets sneaky. Waits until kibitzing computer hog is gone. She sits down and starts to play. The following scenarios occurr:

1. She gets going pretty well until he comes home and starts kibitizing all over again. 2. She's getting tips and pointers from the other players - he comes home and accuses her of flirting on line. 3. She's dished out crap by the other players and ends up feeling like me - IF you're lucky. Cause I'm still playing. And yes I am girl. Now get outta my way.